Apocalypse Epiphany

[words]

2010-02-09T22:07:00.004-05:00

So I knew that wasn't going to last long, but I figured it would last more than one time! I suppose I'll pick it back up when I have more free time.

Anyway, my poetry class has started, and I'm finally writing things I like again.

***

There's a fountain flowing in the back of my head
Full of every word I remember I've read
   tumbling
   taunting
   terrifying (DREAD)
And it always spills over, the walls seldom dry
Glinting with pleasure and a smile so wry
   tantalizing
   trepidation
   tapering tries

There's a fountain flowing behind my eyes
And with every new conquest the waters rise
   INDULGE
   i n d u l g e
   INDULGE (cry)
And its hunger grows the more it's fed
Filling with grins and things I've said
   infinite
   imperfect
   ink (I've bled)

***

the frigid hands must have reached out of the pavement
and through the rubber soles, straight into my soul
or into whatever clenches within when the ice cuts my face

inside my feet would curl into the fetal position,
if my frozen bones would yield, and reclaim
some of that warm forgotten comfort of the womb

acute cramp in the left plantar fascia
I feel like I'm walking on lotus feet, but
this doesn't make me pretty

***

Oddly Appropriate

2009-10-30T12:01:00.005-04:00

So as you may or may not know, I am a writer, and recently, I joined this great poetry community.

They give weekly poetry prompts, among other things, and I figured, what better place to post my responses than here? So here they will go.

I say "oddly appropriate" because last week for my seventeenth birthday I went to the fair with my friends for the first time. It was really quite a blast, and I've discovered that I like rides a lot more than I thought I did. And now, the first prompt I see when joining this site is about, you guessed it, the fair~ It's a image prompt, and a lovely one at that. (Photo by auburnxc)

glowing threads traced on your eyes

spinning steps and shackled thighs

knuckles white on safety bars

graffitied tops of inverted cars

scream so silent, whisper loud

shout your thoughts under the crowd

bullet forward, inch in line

put the source before the crime

stagger onward, lysergically

no faith in humanity

eat your doubts, all deep fried

from your sugared palms they're pried

leave your senses at the door

this is a search to give you more

~~~

Unexplored Territory

2009-10-01T20:53:00.006-04:00

If you're reading this, you're probably wondering, what happened to that huge block of time between when this blog was started and today? Okay maybe you weren't, but now you are, right? So despite what I was advised, I deleted quite a few old posts. I was going through a rough time then and needed to vent, but honestly, now that it's over, no one wants to read about that. Including me.

Also, I've just gotten into other things and haven't felt the need to post here. (I've actually gained a social life! Crazy! Actually, that was just a joke. I do have an internet social life though! That counts for something... right?)

I have come to find that inspiration strikes most acutely when I have other work to do. Never have I felt more inspired to learn a new song on the ukulele as when I need to write an essay, never have words flowed more freely than when I need to do a genetics lab. It's really quite inconvenient. Also, the more classes I take and the more I study, the more I gravitate towards English. Whether I'm in German, Calculus or Physics, I'll be interested in the material, but always go back to how I'd prefer to be working on English. I'm glad I'm starting to sort out my priorities, I suppose you could say, but unfortunately being an English major does not afford the same job opportunities as say, a PhD in pharmaceutical science, which is what I was thinking of before. As far as science though, I definitely want to look more into neuroscience/psychology, as well as how they relate to philosophy. The basics that I've accrued on these topics have interested me extremely, so definitely something to look into. Glad I still have a few more years to figure it out. (Or a couple.)

Which is really not that long. It's actually quite daunting, thinking about this. Next year, I'll be in college. And then a short, short 4 years after that (assuming I don't go on to graduate studies), I'll be on my own. No parents, no dorm rooms, no set out schedule. I don't know what to think about that. I still don't even think of myself as being 16, though I'm almost 17 already, and the thought of managing everything on my own? My own place, bills, insurance, job, routine? It's certainly unsettling, at the least. I can't even imagine myself driving alone, never mind making my own car payments. I think the reason that this seems so frightening is that partly due to general societal trends and partly due to my own parents' style of raising me, I have not had much freedom in my life. This is not necessarily a complaint: just an observation. But that makes the contrast between my life now and absolute independence so much starker. It's hard to fathom. I should think that the relative independence of college will ease this gap a bit, but thinking about it at this point in my life is still makes my throat tense and my stomach flutter. To take on so much responsibility, so suddenly? I hope I'll be able to do it.

This Damned Paralysis

2008-09-24T16:31:00.012-04:00

Geeeet ready! It's bad emo poetry! Don't take it too seriously.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i am hanging from this cliff

by my sweaty fingertips

but i can't manage to slip

for this damned paralysis

all my doubts have turned to truth

from the lies they've been seduced

helpless, stuck amidst the proof

for this damned paralysis

even light is tinged with dark

through the stinging poison darts

as they penetrate my heart

every throb, paralysis

this bird's plumage is not red

the crimson's of unnatural thread

vultures circle overhead

sensing damned paralysis

but don't bother turning your head

as i'm wishing i were dead

for however much i've bled

i'm here in my damned paralysis

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a terrible poem. The stanzas desperately scream to be rearranged and rewritten without this childish rhyme scheme and there's no flow, but I just threw something down to get some emotions out, so this is how I'm going to post it. Emo-ness and all. u___u

Into the Sunshine

2008-05-24T21:26:00.008-04:00

Perception is such an intriguing topic. It leads to so many questions, so many possibilities, it's just really interesting to think about.
Sometimes I wish I could be blissfully ignorant and shallow. But a lot of the time I'm really glad that I see things the way I do. I'm glad that I can look at things with a clear head, and decide what to do rationally. I'm glad I can put others before myself, even when I don't get credit, when they don't know. I'm glad that my mind lets me forget, washes everything away into my vague receptory of memories, or at least blunts the edges of the sharp ones that continue to scrape away at me. I'm glad I that can escape most of the time. That I've finally been able to see me in a way that makes me feel good about myself. That lets me be happy. I'm glad that even when I have been mortally wounded, I can find my strength, prove to myself that I am good. When I see my reflection, I no longer feel the need to avert my eyes from the strange ones staring back at me. I can look into them and recognize them as my own. It's nice. I would not change my eyes, the way that I see things, for anything. Even to get something I dearly long for, to change how I see things, to change my eyes, is to change me. I don't want to forget who I am, or revert back to my distorted mutilated image of myself. I am me, and I am strong. And I wouldn't change that for any selfish desire.
I think I'm going to try to let myself be happy for once. I can do it if I try hard enough. True, it's not a switch I can flip on, but I can step into the light, and let myself enjoy it. And I will. Starting now.

Sense? It makes none.

2008-05-19T20:49:00.010-04:00

Through all my ponderings and reveries, I have come to understand nothing about this world. As soon as something seems to make sense, something else comes around to crush it.
Everything really does seem to fit into the rotten stereotypes we've created. So I will be another mere dreamer, always lonely and starving for hope, too lost in my fantasy world, to crumple when I fall back down to earth. I spend a great deal of my time, far too much, thinking of what life would be like if something were true. What if I were influential, what if he really loved me back, what if I could make a difference, have any wish, have telekinetic powers, be good at sports. I'm wishing my life away, and the time travels far too fast for comfort. It tricks you into thinking its standing still but really its rushing past, blurring memories, reality, wishes. I'm afraid by the time I finish wishing, it will be too late for me to accomplish anything. But I can't throw myself into the real world just like that. The realizations of all the false hopes I've made myself believe, everything, it's just too painful. I'd rather be cowardly and try to fence myself back into my dream world, where everything goes my way. There I'm beautiful and he's mine. I have everything I ever wanted, but am still virtuous. I make a real difference in the world and I'm happy. I'm always happy, not in a way of contentment, but in a way when you have just experienced the most horrible tragedy but something wonderful has happened. Things are looking up. That feeling, right before you realize its all just another lie, another trap, waiting for you to throw your arms around it just so it can pierce you through the heart.
Who's to say what's real? Maybe if I try hard enough, this world will fade into the land of forgotten dreams and abandoned hopes and my substitute reality will come into the foreground. Who's to say that all people who are alone are unhappy? Perhaps they live in their own private worlds. You may pity their lonely solitude, uninterrupted by the joys of this world, but perhaps in their world, they are much better off than you thought. Maybe in their own world, they pity you.
So this world can take what it wants, because I'll be better off wherever it abandons me. Because everything will let me down eventually or be forgotten here, but as long as I suffer, as long as I rejoice, I will be in my own utopia.
Ignore my cynicism. I merely need a way to get out, and it seems you are the only one I have to talk to right now. Who are you? It doesn't matter, because I can imagine you any way I please. As its probably evident, I am not in the brightest of moods, so don't worry. I'm not always like this. And I can't house myself in this glass bottle forever.

Stop. Look. Consider.

2008-05-13T20:32:00.013-04:00

I was on facebook earlier and I saw a group about "puppy mills." Over 40,000 people are in this group, calling for an end to the cruelty. Puppy mills are apparently just what they sound like. Factories for puppies. Of course, an idea like this is grounded on cruelty, and the dogs are under terrible conditions and such. Just to put it out there, I'm all for animal rights. In fact, I believe that equality and at least consideration and tolerance are the most important things that this world could have and needs. All these thousands of people are revved up and ready to do something, whatever they can about this problem. I read someone's post that said that if such cruelty were happening to human babies, it would be stopped right away. Hold up now. They talked about the SPCA's commercials being an example of the cruelty and neglect these animals are put through. But aren't these commercials aired in the same time, marketed in the same fashion as the UNICEF commercials for sponsoring starving and neglected children in impoverished countries? I am not condoning cruelty to animals, but how can people be horrified at the plight of these animals, yet seem not to notice that things like this and worse are happening all the time to members of our own species? An object of our fascination seems to hold more value over ourselves. These lost dogs souls and matted fur, while I don't want to downplay this cruelty and the human's lack of rights to do this to these animals, what about the human souls, and mangled flesh? I was about to post something on the group wall to this effect when I had another thought.

What gives us the right to go around destroying everything in our wake? We can leave footprints without leaving a warpath behind us. The overwhelming cruelty in the world, it all stems from humans. We take killing, pain, greed, everything beyond the point of natural order and necessity to where it is simply wrong. There are no words to express the feeling I get when I think about everything. You can only know what I am talking about through experiencing it, and the only word that I can use is just plain wrong. What happened that would make me value the life and the pain of one of my own species over another's? We are all creatures, animals, inhabiting this planet. What makes us better? So lets say that natural selection has evolved us into a species with a higher brain capacity, etc etc. So what? Does this give us the right to commandeer the resources and environment that so many others use? Just because we believe ourselves to be smarter, or superior? Isn't this the same thinking that so many people responsible for the genocide we condemn have used? We gripe about dogs being kept in cramped and filthy environments for the sole purpose of harvesting their offspring. The same is done with fish, but we care less about fish. How did this hierarchy of importance come into being? Do we have the right to put such a thing into place, to decide the fate of other species? Perhaps this race is superior. Perhaps we were meant to be the so called "rulers" of the earth. This still does not excuse our behavior towards the rest of the earth, not only to the animals living in it, but the physical earth we depend on, yet take for granted. It's no wonder that religion was invented, because it is such an easy cop out from all these questions. It's terrible what we're doing to this planet. Its not just destroying what we need in order to live. Our advancements, waste, carelessness all go beyond the natural order in which we kill and destroy only when necessary, only to survive. It sickens me, whenever I think of the earth, I get this image of the lushness and prior natural glory of the earth gradually being paved over, destroyed, built up into a concrete and titanium jungle of a globe.

Even when accepting all the monstrosities we've done to things we consider inferior, how can we do so many cruel things to each other? All the fighting everywhere in the world, if you look at it, really look at it, its all so petty. From getting ticked off at your teacher boss or friend to the raging wars in the Middle East, it all seems so petty when you look at it. Really look at it. We're all so wrapped up in our mindset, we don't ever stop and just look. Whenever I am irked by something in my life, some minor annoyance that many people would let ruin their day, I look at myself from above. I see through myself, but then I begin to see around me. It doesn't take much of a zoom out to see how petty things are, even just within a single community like a school. Often times it feels like our own individual problems are the most important in the world, and no one else can know what you're feeling. But when you think about it, that's not true in the least. Zoom out from your bubble even just to the people around you, or to the people in a building, and everyone feels the same way. Everyone has all these problems. Society trains us to portray this perfect picture of how we wish to be, so each individual feels alone, like they are the only ones who are not this perfect statuette we all long to be, in billboard love, perfect, smiling, and airbrushed. The reality is that everyone feels this way. Its just a matter of looking. I'm not trying to say that people are not important or their feelings aren't. I'm merely saying that none of us are alone. Zoom out and see your house, neighborhood, city, state, country, and perhaps you too will see the world, a globe with its cement virus slowly creeping over its skin, infecting and taking hold. Perhaps I am conceited to think that I myself am thinking more highly than a lot of our own population. But is it so wrong to think this way? It all makes sense, its all logical. Even if you don't understand or misinterpret what I've said here, the ideas are all here, they're all sound. The only problem would be my writing, and the true ineffectiveness of words to convey ideas. How can you make someone see like you do? You can't, you can only hope they gather what you want them to from what you write, paint, or whatever you do to communicate the ultimate ideas.

I am not even necessarily backing any of these specific things; humans may or not be superior, gods may or may not exist, and all of this may or may not have been meant to be. I just think the world would be a much better place if people just stopped and thought about things like these. Why do we do all this stuff that we do? Just stop. Look. That's all I'm asking. Consider these ideas. I'm not even asking for approval or any kind of opinion, just consideration. I truly believe that if one in every hundred people did this, just considered, the world would be a very cliché, but much better place.

Yay for Communism.

2008-05-08T20:49:00.010-04:00

I'm really happy about the turn the music scene seems to have taken lately, and hope the trend continues. The trend is, drum roll please, FREE RELEASES!!!! I love free things. They make my day. There was the Radiohead release of In Rainbows, which sadly is no longer available as their psychedelic site tells me. And now the track off of Coldplay's new album, Viva la Vida, Violet Hill. Free download! Of course, that's no longer available either, but you can still listen to it here. That was incredible. I was so happy. (I am also quite excited at Coldplay's return with a new and very cool sound.)
And now, NIN released their new album, The Slip, for NO MONEY. FREE! And from what I can tell, this isn't a limited time offer, which is waaay cool. Go download it! Now! Here! Yep. And so I've just realized how truly unintelligent I sound, raving about this. Oh well, because it is, as Tony the Tiger once said, Grrrrrrreat!
Oh, and also: Julia Nunes is amazing. She does a lot of covers, and I like them, but her original songs are reaaally good. They have really cool lyrics and are just generally pretty schweeet. check it out. Oh and her voice is amazing. You guys should totally listen to them. I was going to post a bunch of links here but I guess its not up to me whether you guys listen to them or not, so its up to you to find the really great ones. :)

What's that you say?

2008-05-06T20:24:00.008-04:00

I was wondering, how come sometimes its just that much harder to speak and/or comprehend speech than other times? I know everyone knows precisely what I'm talking about. Take today for example. My thoughts refused to be formulated into coherent sentences, and when they became sentences, they did not convey the same meaning as what I was thinking. And when I finally fixed the sentence, I stuttered and tripped over my words, mispronounced things, and generally had the language-capability-air of George Bush. Why is this? How come some days, the English language is entirely at my command, an army of obedient and intuitive soldiers, but some days I, essentially, fail? It isn't even related to whether I'm tired or hyped up or lazy or any other mood/state of being, liquid, gas or solid. I'd be very interested if anyone actually found some type of information on this topic, because it doesn't seem to make sense.

And on the topic of language, everyone should go to FreeRice.com! Because it's SUPREME. I mean, it's fun (in my opinion), you learn words, and you're donating rice to starving people! What's not to like? Everyone likes rice! Especially starving people! It donates 20 grains of rice for every word you get right. So what if a cup of rice is about 7000 grains? The rice adds up much sooner than you would think, and seriously, are people benefiting from you playing Runescape or Fancy Pants? I don't think so. I also like to play the Facebook version (or at least one of them) just because they donate 25 grains per word. Granted, it's not nearly as well made/ fun/ etc as the original, but it's easier, more rice per word, and ergo, MORE RICE! Got rice bitch? Hell yeah.

Kay, so another thing that's kind of been irking me. And it's related to the Twilight series. I am not a rabid fangirl who wishes to smite all who dislike the series. In fact, I don't mind at all if you don't like the series (although I do like it). What bothers me is when people hate on it and "refuse to touch anything remotely related to it" (ahem, you know who you are) when they HAVEN'T READ THEM. If you read them and don't like them, whatever. Your loss. But hatin on the book without reading it? That's like racism. For books. It's like, oh you're black? I don't like you. Or you're from northwestern Scandinavia? No soup for you. Its unfair! Unjust! Immoral! Now, I am exaggerating the severity of this issue to a somewhat high degree, but please. Either give the books a chance, or don't hate. :) I think mostly, now, people dislike the hype and obsession surrounding it, which I agree with. While an enjoyable read (well, the first one at least), the Twilight books are by no means great works of literature. In fact, they're fairly poorly written. So I appreciate the appeal, but whatever your opinion is about the book, please form aforementioned opinion after you've read it.

Anyway, I'm pretty pumped about this blog still, because this means that I'm going to waste my time on something remotely productive, rather than... playing Fancy Pants. Or reading dinosaur comics. Which rule btw. So this is going to basically be just random ramblings, thoughts, philosophies, social commentaries, art, links, and whatever other junk I feel like putting here. So if you don't give a shit about my opinions, or any of this random stuff... too bad.

So about my possible one-man band... Although I may be getting ahead of myself, since I haven't even finished my first song, there are a couple of my favorite poems I wrote, and I was thinking about how I could transform these into song format. Cause that'd be cool. If anyone has any ideas, I receive them with open arms and an open heart.
http://www.gotpoetry.com/Poems/l_op=viewpoems/lid=23330.html
that's one of them... if you want to read the other one, here it is. It's a bit morbid, but oh well.
http://www.gotpoetry.com/Poems/l_op=viewpoems/lid=23667.html
I don't think the latter would work as well as a song because of the nature of the formatting etc, but if anyone has any fantabulous ideas, I'm down with that.

So peace. Open your eyes to the world. Take in its beauty, its wretchedness, its creation, its destruction. Take it all in, and go from there. Peace out.

And so the journey begins...

2008-05-06T03:48:00.005-04:00

The introduction of blogging into my psyche... the final transformation I must endure.
What transformation you say? I don't know. And that's its beauty.
Of course, everyone is currently going through some kind of transformation. Even if it's not obvious, it's there. Your very being, be it your emotional, philosophical, or biological DNA, is shifting, mutating, and soon you will realize it. A sort of epiphany if you will. You cannot escape the evolutionary nature of this dimension. You know the saying, "You can run but you can't hide"? Well you can't even run either. Don't try.

So I don't really have a clear cut reason for starting this. It's currently 3.53 AM, and I haven't done an English paper that's due today. If you're wondering about the title of this blog, well it's SUPERB. Don't you agree? It sounds cool, and it's a really fun concept to think about, for me anyway. The origins of said name? Well, I've been wanting to record some songs I wrote (well, at least one) and maybe do some intense covers. And so, while writing my song, I was thinking, cool. I am a one man band. Schweet. And then my thoughts traversed the spatial gap from my own consciousness to connections in the outside world. Iron & Wine. Yet again, a one man band. But such a cool name! It's so... catchy. And I don't have one of those names that sounds so cool that I don't even need a band name. So fundamentally, I thought about life, the universe, and everything. I'm serious. I did. So it has something to do with some recent epiphanies and their possible apocalyptic effects. And for some reason, this is extremely appealing to me.

So I'm pretty psyched about my song. Because I've started lots of songs, but never completed the task, and I'm pretty close now. I've got the main melody, the basic accompaniment, and the lyrics. I just have to compile, flip it, and reverse it. Minus the last two steps. I'm trying to decide what to do about the accompaniment. Right now, it's just piano- kind of a harmonizing backbone and occasionally countermelody. However, I do have a ukulele, which I think is awesome, so I'm inclined to put that in there. And I have a guitar, which I can play the basics. Just chords, simple riffs, etc. And Fruity Loops. So I could add percussion or synth, although this isn't really a synth sort of song.

So I'm assuming I'm doing this right. Expounding on the various musings in my life, without being explicit and detailed enough for people to have the capability to come assault me in my house at night.